Five easy tricks to make money while slowly dying inside. Are celebrities actually people or are they freakish nightmare distortions of the worst human qualities? Here’s a top ten list of the top “top ten lists" of top ten lists. Learn interesting facts about what happens to your intestines if you eat panda feces.
Doctors have discovered a new emotion: it’s 80% anger, 15% despair, and 5% irrational laughter. It’s called BEING ON THE INTERNET and it may be deadly. Ask your doctor if a third lobotomy is right for you. This message brought to you by The International Association That Believes Everyone Needs At Least Three Lobotomies.
How can I get in touch with my inner child so I can abort him? Three easy meals for cooking your aborted inner child. Is garlic an aphrodisiac? If I am single and only masturbate to porn, is there any reason for me to take an aphrodisiac? What is the best porn to watch while masturbating with garlic bulbs shoved up my ass?
Should I buy a house? How do I know when I’m ready to buy a house? How should I decorate my house? Should I burn down my house? Should I stay inside my house and die in the fire when I burn down my house? What’s going to happen to my charred remains and the ashes of my burned down house?
The bees are dying but you can stop it with this one simple trick. I’m not going to tell you what it is. You’re going to have to click on this button in order to find out how to save the bees. If you don’t click the button, you hate bees. Do you hate bees, and the environment, and the entire earth? Me too. Come closer, so that I may kiss you.
Here are the top ten pictures of adorable kittens doing hilarious things. Oh. I’m sorry. I appear to have mixed up my kitten photos with pictures of mangled hands from industrial accidents. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. The other day I was at a medical museums and I accidentally showed them slides of kittens. They were slightly less upset than you appear to be.
Is Britney Spears okay? Is she going to die some day? How should I feel when she dies? What’s going to happen to the corpse of Britney Spears when she dies? Can I have her corpse? I promise not to have sex with her corpse. Is it weird that I just promised not to have sex with the corpse of Britney Spears?
How can I find a girlfriend? How can I find a girlfriend for my girlfriend? How can I get them the hell out of my house so they leave me alone, but convince them to send me videos of their love-making? Is it weird that I would rather stare at a computer screen than a flower? Than another human being? Than a mirror?
There’s a series of symptoms that people are calling “ascension flu” or “ascension sickness”. The idea is that when you get these symptoms you are moving to a higher vibrational state. One idiot described this as becoming “5D”. When I read over the symptoms, they looked a lot like everyday anxiety and panic. So there are people out there who think if you’re experiencing anxiety you’re about to ascend to a higher plane of existence. Which means there are people actively seeking anxiety symptoms so they can fit in with their crystal-sucking, yoga meditation, vegan idiot friends.
What if enlightenment is actually realizing how terrible everything is and then slowly walking away from all of it? Walk out of the room backwards, slowly, hands raised to reassure everyone that you’re not a threat, head shaking slowly. Whisper, “No thank you. None for me please. I’m not interested. No thank you. No thanks.”
This message brought to you by Nihilists for a Better Tomorrow Through Denial and Other Defense Mechanisms.