Don’t Throw Acid in a Baby’s Face (Without Asking me for Permission)

It’s almost impossible to offend me, unless you’re ACTIVELY trying to do so by torturing a puppy or throwing acid into the face of a baby. Even then, if the baby is really bad, I’d probably be okay with it. Bad babies totally deserve to have their faces melted off with acid.

“I’m on a plane and this baby is reading Mein Kampf and smoking a cigar.”

“You can go ahead and throw acid in that stupid evil baby’s face.”

“Thanks! It is weird how the Canadian government has formally made you the person who can authorize the throwing of acid into a baby’s face.”

“It really is weird. Also, the pay is shit. I do like how they have given me a personal driver though.”

“Yes, that must be convenient, what with all of those lunches you go on, where you get quite drunk.”

“It is convenient. I don’t know how I would get drunk at lunch without the convenience of a driver. Anyway, have fun throwing acid into that baby’s face.”

“Oh, I will! I certainly will.”

Now that I think about it, is it possible to have fun throwing acid into a baby’s face? The act should require a certain amount of solemnity. Everyone involved should be somber, dressed in black, muted in their…